How To Walk Humans
The problem
with many dogs
nowadays is that
they forget that
a human is not just for Christmas, it is for life. Shortly after
being born, many puppies
(with the naivety
and inexperience of youth, I
must add)
impulse buy a human.
They seem
to think that owning
humans will
be all play, forgetting that
the first few months
are the hardest
and that theyll
have to work like ahard worker.
This essential guide will help
you through those first months and hopefully, provide all first-time people buyers with some invaluable insight into the bizarre workings of the human mind.
1. Entering the house. Once
you walk into the house (an over-sized kennel),
mark your territory immediately. Ideal locations for doing this include any expensive looking rugs or elderly relatives that
are lying around. If the
humans yell at
you, do it again. It is important that
you let them
know who is
boss. 2. Make yourself at
home. Humans love
home improvement, so try to add a bit of yourself to the house by altering the
furniture. This is very easy to
do, just nibble
off the corner of a coffee table or scratch a door to pieces. Dont
be afraid to
use your imagination and try something new; my personal favourite is moving lots of human food from the inside of
their fridge to the adjacent floor.
When the
humans discover
your work,
make sure
you sit next to it and
wag your tail so that
they realise whom to
accredit the alterations to. If
they become over excited,
mark your territory.
3. Avoiding danger. Shortly after
you have settled in your new home, many
humans will come to visit you. However, you need to be careful
as you will inevitably encounter Children (mini humans; remember, the smaller the human, the more dangerous they are). Many children will insist
on attacking you; theyll either rapidly
tap you
on the head or scratch your ear. This may be painful, or even just plain annoying,
but please, please do not run away. Stay still (perhaps wag your tail as a sign of impatience) and pray that the mini-humans will lose interest. If you do attempt
escape, the children will rapidly pursue you.
Indeed, nature knows no worse predator
than a determined mini-human. Upon cornering
you, the children will awkwardly hoist you in the air and scratch/tap you some
more. For emergency escape, mark your territory. The
child will quickly abandon you.
(This is not strictly true, the smallest mini-humans, the variety referred to as Bairns, Babies or
Lil Tykes will
probably mark
their territory as well and then continue
harassing you. Whimper to let them know that they have won and they will hopefully abandon you)
4. New Tricks: The older you get, the harder these are to
learn, but
humans will try to teach you certain performance pieces. They will often spend seven laborious hours with you
(one in human time)
getting you to act like them for
various delicious rewards. Remember: the more you fail, the
bigger the
reward. It is imperative that you let the humans know that you will only perform for them if they
pay you with treats. The famous actress
Lassie infamously forgot this golden rule.
Apparently, she started
off performing tricks such as sit without edible rewards, and before long was rescuing mini-humans from mine shafts for little more than an affectionate pat on the head.
5. Exercise: Take your humans for walks regularly. Humans are notoriously lazy so will need
much encouragement. When walking, you will have your humans on a lead
(a cable designed to enable dogs to tow and guide their humans to various destinations). The humans will frequently
pull on this lead and
slow you down, but you must not let them walk at a normal pace; they will not get
proper exercise if they go too slowly.
Once you are off the lead, you must protect your humans from any passing cats or cyclists. Furthermore, many humans suffer from acute
amnesia in open spaces.
Indeed, they very often drop a ball or a stick on the walk, which you have to return to them. Moments later, they will drop the object again. Make sure you are
patient and bring the discarded object
back to them each time, otherwise they will forget
it. When you return to the house, demonstrate that you realise that you are home by marking your territory.
6. Conversational English: Here are a collection of human phrases that you will find useful (do not repeat them, humans find it disturbing if their canine owners talk back to them in the same language).
Sit!
- Take the weight off your feet and rest on your haunches.
Dinner! I have poured some dry, meat flavour biscuits into a bowl. Please try it. Din-dins!
Walkies!- Please take me outside.
Good Boy/Girl Congratulations are in order.
Vet- Run for your life.
Wilmas next article will be published soon. For the mean time, dogs are welcome to try her earlier work, the self-help book
Finding Your Inner Puppy
Wilma Woof is the author pen name for
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